It hurts too you know. I wish I could be honest, and I can’t. Not without the uncertainty, or rather the promise of an adverse reaction from just about everyone I know. Of course there are those that I can trust, but they are few and far between, and far away. I’m depressed.

That’s for damn positive. I have sunken quite low and I know that the only way for me to reach out and to finally stand up lies not in me, not in my success with what I’m doing in life. No. I’ve already gotten that taken care of. Jesus Christ, I mean I just got promoted at Blockbuster and now I’m a manager there. I’m making it in life for right now.

What I need is to be open and honest with somebody. Somebody who won’t turn away and grimace, someone who won’t laugh, someone who won’t scorn. Someone who won’t judge. And being in the South, well, that’s all you ever see here: judgementalism. And I hate it.

God if only people could see me right now. They wouldn’t even recognize me. I am such a total wreck, drifting out of some sort of pseudo-intellectual euphoria grounded in my own ignorance, to a place of darkness so palpable and unbearable because if anything I realize that I am an anathema. To society, to most of the people I know, and partly to myself. And if anything, I start to wonder if it really is too much to ask for some semblance of hope. Perhaps a hug here or there, maybe a kiss. God forbid someone or something in my life worth holding on to.

The truth is that I hate myself not for who I am but for what people will say about me. And it has nothing to do with me being a bad person or being wrong or horrible. It’s their misgivings and their complete lack of understanding that drives them away from me. And I would rather not face that rejection - thus I can not stand my own presence because it was me who makes it that away against my will. Even now in this little blog I am being way more honest than I think I ever dared to be. I almost inclined to just throw in the towel and tell the world what in the fuck I am talking about. But I can’t. My mind is just too disheveled (lol) to figure all this shit out right now. Perhaps I need some rest…and a bottle of Captains.

Many of you are probably trying to figure out what I’m talking about here. And the truth is that I’m not quite ready to say anything about it. I am prepare, however, to reveal that who I am as a person isn’t exactly who I desire to be. And it most certainly isn’t who others thought that I was.

And not to be melodramatic, but there are people who’ve discovered my secrets. And they haven’t responded exactly as I would have hoped. More the opposite. Not downright hypocritical, and not totally as if I were an anathema; rather I’ve discovered the uncomfortable reality of the world that we all live in. If only things were different and there was no need to constantly hide honesty behind the guise of a smile. Smiles are meaningless of course unless they possess the genuine translation of happiness. And it’s been quite a while since I’ve been there.

First of all, I am FINALLY going back to school! Whooh! It’s been far too long but at last I will be returning to the halls of academia. I’m going to be heading to New York City (omg right?) to study at The King’s College which is an incredible business school. My declared major is B.S. in Business Management.

It’s nothing short of the most incredible opportunity that I’ve ever faces and I am so excited for it to happen. I would’ve done this sooner but the price really scared me. Weighing in at $31,600 a year, I didn’t think I would be able to make it. However, I just got my financial aid package which covers almost $25,000 of that cost. And the rest will be paid during the school year over a ten month period.

Definitely doable. =)

I will be heading to the Big Apple probably around August 22nd considering I am required to be there for the 23rd to move in and go through orientation and all that fun stuff. And I’m not going to lie: I AM NERVOUS AS HELL. But I’m taking it as a good thing that shows my genuine passion for this decision.

Other than that, I have one more piece of exciting news! I just promoted in my job at Blockbuster. I was a Customer Service Rep. (CSR) but today I’ve been given the position of 4-Star CSR. It’s a fancy and albeit gay name that means that half the time I do what I’ve been doing, and the other half of the time I am the Manager on Duty.

Of course, it comes with a pay raise and thus way more incentive to do a good/great job there. Talk about two things to make me happy at a time when I felt anything but.

Well anyways, wish me luck. I’ll keep you posted.

These people who are supposedly Christians can’t even follow the example of their own God. That’s not to say that I’m not one of them…because I am a Christian. But the God that I worship seems to be a different one from the one that they worship.

My God says love everyone unconditionally, judge no one for anything, and know that I accept everyone no matter what. But theirs is a God that hates people, and if not hates, then tells them to judge others.

These are the same people who say that you can’t do drugs, you can’t be gay, you can’t do this or that. And if you do, then you can’t be a Christian. As if they have the power to decide that. No one can make that distinction, ever. I don’t care whatever lame excuse you come up with…you CAN NOT decide who’s being genuine and who isn’t when it comes to Christianity.

And for those morons out there who think that they can judge everyone for what they do, why don’t you read your Bible. It might help you out:

“Romans 2:1 - You therefore have no excuse, you who judge another. For by whatever token you judge the other you are condemning yourself. Because you yourself do the same things.”

It just pisses me off because people have no right to say others are bad people. We DON’T get to make that call and Christians really need to get this through their thick heads and realize that they aren’t better than everyone else. And if they really need proof perhaps they should read Romans 2:11, “For God does not show favoritism.” Gee…imagine that.

“Psychedelic (adj.) - of or noting a mental state characterized by a profound sense of intensified sensory perception, sometimes accompanied by severe perceptual distortion and hallucinations and by extreme feelings of either euphoria or despair. (dictionary.com)”

I guess really when you see movies like Across the Universe where all those hallucinatory things are happening - bright neon colors, hallucinations, euphoria - this is when something is psychedelic. And of course this is usually brought about by drug use (i.e. LSD, shrooms, etc.).

When I explained this to my friend, he then asked how I felt about drug use…interesting question HA.

I am actually not against it. Which for those that are closest to me isn’t a surprise. While I’ve definitely calmed down over that last several years, I used to be an avid drug user…definitely along the lines of a hippie lol. Not the looks though. I look like a normal person, and talk like one too. I just enjoyed the feeling and the laid back nature of it. It really is a calming experience that takes stress away.

Of course, I have to say since this is online…I AM NOT TELLING YOU TO DO DRUGS! I AM NOT CONDONING THEIR USE! But if you want to, I’m also not going to tell you not to. Because then that would make me a hypocrite. Just make sure you’re being safe and not stupid.

It’s based in the 1960s during the Vietnam-era anti-war movement. Here’s the synopsis:

“Across the Universe, from director Julie Taymor, is a revolutionary rock musical that re-imagines America in the turbulent late-1960s, a time when battle lines were being drawn at home and abroad.

When young dockworker Jude (Jim Sturgess) leaves Liverpool to find his estranged father in America, he is swept up by the waves of change that are reshaping the nation. Jude falls in love with Lucy (Evan Rachel Wood), a rich but sheltered American girl who joins the growing anti-war movement in New York’s Greenwich Village. As the body count in Vietnam rises, political tensions at home spiral out of control and the star-crossed lovers fin themselves in a psychedelic world gone mad.”

I’ll be totally honest when I say that this film is truly one of the best and most moving that I’ve seen so far this year. (Oh and check out Juno.)

To do this I will have two main parts to the site. The first part will be anything that I write, which will be open for criticisms, compliments, whatever. I want your opinions so please leave comments! The second part will be my personal blog. This blog for me will be an open and honest communication with the world in general, and because of that, it will have things in it not meant to be seen by certain people. But I do want to share these ideas and feelings with you guys, so if you want to have access to my blog, email me at reloi06@yahoo.com, and I will send you a username and a password.

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