You know…now that I think about it…who in their right mind actually uses the word “disheveled”? That’s the first time I think I have. Just a random side note though, as that’s not even close to the point of this post. I guess that really I have this urge to write the truth here. The complete and total truth about everything surrounding me; and the fear of what will happen afterwards is totally haunting.
It hurts too you know. I wish I could be honest, and I can’t. Not without the uncertainty, or rather the promise of an adverse reaction from just about everyone I know. Of course there are those that I can trust, but they are few and far between, and far away. I’m depressed.
That’s for damn positive. I have sunken quite low and I know that the only way for me to reach out and to finally stand up lies not in me, not in my success with what I’m doing in life. No. I’ve already gotten that taken care of. Jesus Christ, I mean I just got promoted at Blockbuster and now I’m a manager there. I’m making it in life for right now.
What I need is to be open and honest with somebody. Somebody who won’t turn away and grimace, someone who won’t laugh, someone who won’t scorn. Someone who won’t judge. And being in the South, well, that’s all you ever see here: judgementalism. And I hate it.
God if only people could see me right now. They wouldn’t even recognize me. I am such a total wreck, drifting out of some sort of pseudo-intellectual euphoria grounded in my own ignorance, to a place of darkness so palpable and unbearable because if anything I realize that I am an anathema. To society, to most of the people I know, and partly to myself. And if anything, I start to wonder if it really is too much to ask for some semblance of hope. Perhaps a hug here or there, maybe a kiss. God forbid someone or something in my life worth holding on to.
The truth is that I hate myself not for who I am but for what people will say about me. And it has nothing to do with me being a bad person or being wrong or horrible. It’s their misgivings and their complete lack of understanding that drives them away from me. And I would rather not face that rejection - thus I can not stand my own presence because it was me who makes it that away against my will. Even now in this little blog I am being way more honest than I think I ever dared to be. I almost inclined to just throw in the towel and tell the world what in the fuck I am talking about. But I can’t. My mind is just too disheveled (lol) to figure all this shit out right now. Perhaps I need some rest…and a bottle of Captains.